In The Cliff to the Cure, why were you staring at the white ceiling so much?
In my book, I have quite a few references to the white ceiling. During the book, I’m staring at the ceiling or referring to my relationship with the ceiling.
Let me explain a couple of things that might help you understand. At the height of my struggles, I was very depressed and isolated. If I was working, I would always come home to an empty house. Large amounts of my time were spent isolated from other people. I now think the root cause of this was fear. I was afraid to venture out too far on my own. I was afraid that other people would reject me. It was just easier to stay home and stare at the ceiling.
One thing that isn’t expounded upon a lot in my book is that I had an eating disorder. I was exhausted all the time. I restricted my calories and overexercised. I even paired the restriction with binging and purging. With poor nutrition and pushing my body to exercise for about 3 hours a day, I didn’t have any energy left to go out with friends. I also didn’t have the concentration required to read, watch television, or watch movies. My eating disorder only isolated me even further.
As I would stare at the ceiling, my mind would be racing. The thoughts inside my head were so vivid and alive. Passively staring at the ceiling was all I would do in such a state.
Do You Still Have this Same Habit of Starring at the Ceiling?
This was one of the first things that I changed when I started to overcome “mental illness.” I never again allowed myself to get in bed during the day or be idle. Instead, I had to fill my life with good things such as family, friends, work, and hobbies. As I filled my life with new things, I also parted ways with my eating disorder.
I also learned that I could control my thoughts. I know that I will never again be under the bondage of racing thoughts that I cannot control. Instead, I have an ordered life, filled with good things that I can think about instead. With my changed life and the knowledge that I can control what I think about, my relationship with the white ceiling came to an end.