In The Cliff to the Cure, why were you staring at the white ceiling so much?

In my book, I have quite a few references to the white ceiling.  During the book, I’m staring at the ceiling or referring to my relationship with the ceiling. 

Let me explain a couple of things that might help you understand.  At the height of my struggles, I was very depressed and isolated.  If I was working, I would always come home to an empty house.  Large amounts of my time were spent isolated from other people.  I now think the root cause of this was fear.  I was afraid to venture out too far on my own.  I was afraid that other people would reject me.  It was just easier to stay home and stare at the ceiling.

One thing that isn’t expounded upon a lot in my book is that I had an eating disorder.  I was exhausted all the time.  I restricted my calories and overexercised.  I even paired the restriction with binging and purging.  With poor nutrition and pushing my body to exercise for about 3 hours a day, I didn’t have any energy left to go out with friends.  I also didn’t have the concentration required to read, watch television, or watch movies.  My eating disorder only isolated me even further.

As I would stare at the ceiling, my mind would be racing.  The thoughts inside my head were so vivid and alive.  Passively staring at the ceiling was all I would do in such a state.

Do You Still Have this Same Habit of Starring at the Ceiling?

This was one of the first things that I changed when I started to overcome “mental illness.”  I never again allowed myself to get in bed during the day or be idle.  Instead, I had to fill my life with good things such as family, friends, work, and hobbies.   As I filled my life with new things, I also parted ways with my eating disorder.

I also learned that I could control my thoughts.  I know that I will never again be under the bondage of racing thoughts that I cannot control.  Instead, I have an ordered life, filled with good things that I can think about instead.   With my changed life and the knowledge that I can control what I think about, my relationship with the white ceiling came to an end.